BAD DAYS IN THE STUDIO WITH PARKINSON'S DISEASE...FINGER DAUBS WITH WORDS
(DIARY ENTRY March 1: 2019)
Most of the work I show here on my website is the result of my good days in the studio...
Of course it is, because I want to celebrate those good days and show I am still able to create the way my mind and body has always done...
but those good days are not the norm...
most days I find it a struggle.
Most days, I find myself just playing with the paint, with my fingers, feeling its oiliness and remembering its smell... then I touch my painted finger(s) to the paper trying to ignite creation of some sort...
I think over the past few months I have done about 100 of these daubs on scraps of paper...
I want to feel that connection... to try and spark some inner memory between my head and hand.
I have thrown many of these daubs out in the rubbish...but on some I have written words about how I was feeling at the time....my handwriting... is a scrawl, and hardly legible, but I got my feelings down, the best I could.
Parkinson's also creates a symptom called "micrographia" where handwriting reduces in size to become minute scratchings...
it is very frustrating...especially for someone who loves hand writing... and of course for someone who is an honorary brand ambassador for beautiful pen company MONTEGRAPPA it is even more frustrating!
Thankfully with a concentrated effort, I can force an increase in the size of my writing
...but it is still very hard to read.
I have translated my scratchings to each of these daubs.
"The dance of Parkinson's
is one I wish I could sit out
No thank you
I am not really in the mood.
I would just prefer to sit and talk
but even that is hard today.
Perhaps I will just sit."
"Too tired today and too shaky to work
too many colours to feel
too many feelings to colour
today is not good for me
but thank you any way."
"Go away tremors
I don't need you
or want you in
"I don't like feeling
I cannot write or paint
or think straight today...
even having a line doesn't help."